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You have met the man of your dreams. But something went wrong, and the relationship did not work out for the umpteenth time. Clinical psychologist Susanne Lachman breaks down the reasons why we fail on the love front.
1. Unworthy of better
Studies of online dating have shown that we tend to choose partners whom we consider close in terms of visual attractiveness, income, education, and intelligence. In other words, the person we meet largely reflects how we perceive ourselves. For example, we consider ourselves ugly or feel guilty about something that happened to us in the past. These negative experiences influence who we are ready or not ready to get close to.
Even though we sometimes find it difficult to trust a person, we still feel the need for close connection. This, in turn, leads to the fact that we enter into a relationship for which we are trying to «pay off» with a partner. It seems to us that we are not valuable in ourselves, but only because of the resources that we can provide.
Women try to hide behind the role of an exemplary mistress or mistress, men put material wealth at the forefront. So we gain only a surrogate for intimacy and fall into a vicious circle where our disbelief that we deserve better only intensifies.
2. Strong emotional dependence
In this case, we need constant confirmation that we are loved. We begin to torment our partner with the need to prove to us that he will always be there. And it’s not that we’re jealous, it’s just that our insecure egos need proof that we’re still valued.
If the partner does not withstand this pressure (which happens in most cases), the dependent party is isolated, and this causes even more despair. Realizing how our painful need becomes a relationship destroyer is the first step to maintaining them.
3. Нереална очекивања
Sometimes our inner perfectionist turns on at the moment when we choose a partner. Think about your relationships with others: are you too demanding and biased?
Are you trying to meet a non-existent figment of your own fantasy? Perhaps you should not be maximalist and cut off the connection as soon as you didn’t like something in the words or behavior of your counterpart, but give him and yourself a chance to get to know each other better.
4. Pressure from loved ones
We are bombarded with questions about when we will get married (marry) or find a partner. And gradually we feel guilty that we are still alone in a world where only couples seem to be happy. And although this is only an illusion, pressure from outside further increases anxiety and fear of being alone. Understanding that we have fallen into the power of other people’s expectations is an important step towards turning the search for a partner from a duty into a romantic game.
5. Painful experience of the past
If you have negative experiences from a previous relationship (you trusted the person who made you suffer), it may be difficult for you to open up to someone again. After such an experience, it is not easy to take the steps to get acquainted: register on a site to find a couple or join an interest club.
Do not rush yourself, but think that, despite the events of the past, you remain the same person, able to love and receive love.
6. Кривица
You may feel that you were responsible for the fact that the previous relationship fell apart and you hurt your partner. This, in turn, may lead you to believe that you are not worthy of love. If our past begins to rule the present and future, this is a sure recipe for losing relationships, even with a close and loving person.
Only when we stop associating a new partner with the previous one, we give ourselves a chance to build a full and happy union.
7. Your time has not yet come
You can be a confident, attractive, wonderful person. You have no communication problems and many friends. And yet, despite the desire to find a loved one, you are now alone. Perhaps your time has not yet come.
If you want to find love, the long (as it seems to you) waiting can eventually lead to a feeling of acute loneliness and even despair. Do not let this state take over you, it can push you to the wrong choice with which we deceive ourselves. Give yourself time and be patient.
About the Expert: Suzanne Lachman, Clinical Psychologist.