The broken record method is simple: repeat the same demand over and over without being distracted by excuses. All children are fluent in this method, it’s time for parents to master it too!
For example. Hot summer day. 4-year-old Annika goes shopping with her mother.
анника: Mom buy me ice cream
Мумија: I already bought you one today.
Annika: But I want ice cream
Мумија: Eating a lot of ice cream is harmful, you will catch a cold
анника: Mommy, well, I really urgently want ice cream!
Мумија: It’s getting late, we need to go home.
Annika: Well, mom, buy me some ice cream, please!
Мумија: Okay, as an exception…
How did Annika do it? She simply ignored her mother’s arguments. Instead of discussing How long ice cream is bad to eat and starting from How long you can catch a cold, she again and again briefly and urgently repeated her request — like a broken record.
Mom, on the other hand, does what almost all adults do in such situations: she argues. She is discussing. She wants her child to understand and agree. She does the same if she wants anything from her daughter. And then a clear indication turns into a long discussion. In the end, usually mom has already forgotten what she wanted at all. That is why our children love such conversations with all their hearts. In addition, they are an extra opportunity to completely and completely capture my mother’s attention.
primer:
Груди (squats, looks into Annika’s eyes, holds her by the shoulders and speaks briefly): «Annika, you are going to put the toys in the box right now.”
Annika: Али зашто?
Мумија: Because you scattered them
Annika: I don’t want to clean anything. I have to clean all the time. All day!
Мумија: Nothing like this. When did you clean up toys all day? But you have to understand that you need to clean up after yourself!
Annika: And Timmy (two-year-old brother) never cleans himself!
Мумија: Timmy is still small. He can’t clean up after himself.
Annika: He can do everything! You just love him more than me!
Мумија: Well, what are you talking about?! This is not true and you know it very well.
The discussion can be continued however you like. Annika’s mom remains calm. So far, she has not made those typical parenting mistakes that we already talked about in Chapter 4. But if the discussion continues for some time, it may well happen. And whether Annika will eventually remove the toys is unknown. In other words: If Mom really wants Annika to get out, then this discussion is out of place.
Another example. A similar conversation between 3-year-old Lisa and her mother happens almost every morning:
Мумија: Lisa, get dressed.
лиса: But I dont want!
Мумија: Come on, be a good girl. Get dressed and we will play something interesting together.
Лиса: У шта?
Мумија: We can collect puzzles.
Лиса: I don’t want puzzles. They’re boring. I want to watch TV.
Мумија: Early in the morning and TV?! Out of the question!
Лиса: (crying) I’m never allowed to watch TV! Everyone can! Only I can’t!
Мумија: That’s not true. All the kids I know don’t watch TV in the morning either.
As a result, Lisa is crying because of a completely different problem, but she is still not dressed. Usually this ends with the fact that her mother takes her in her arms, puts her on her knees, comforts and helps her dress, although Lisa knows how to do it herself. Here, too, mother, after a clear indication, found herself drawn into an open-ended discussion. Lisa this time beat the TV theme. But with the same ingenuity, she can easily play with any item of clothing laid out by her mother — from socks to a matching scrunchie. An incredible achievement for a three-year-old girl who is not even in kindergarten yet!
How could the mothers of Annika and Lisa avoid these discussions? The «broken record» method is very useful here.
This time, Annika’s mom uses this method:
Мумија: (squats, looks her daughter in the eyes, takes her by the shoulders and says): Annika, you’re going to put the toys in the box right now!
Annika: Али зашто?
Мумија: This must be done now: you will collect the toys and put them in a box.
Annika: I don’t want to clean anything. I have to clean all the time. All day!
Мумија: Come on, Annika, put the toys in the box.
Annika: (starts to clean up and grumbles under his breath): I always…
The conversation between Lisa and her mother also goes completely differently if mom uses a “broken record”:
Мумија: Lisa, get dressed..
Лиса: But I dont want!
Мумија: Here, Lisa, put on your tights.
Лиса: But I want to play with you!
Мумија: Lisa, you’re wearing tights right now.
лиса (mumbles but gets dressed)
You do not believe that everything is so simple? Try it yourself!
In the first chapter, we already told the story of eight-year-old Vika, who complained of pain in her stomach and went to the toilet 10 times before going to school. Her mother discussed with her for two weeks, comforted her and finally left her at home 3 times. But it was not possible to find the cause of the sudden «fear» of the school. During the day and in the evening the girl was cheerful and absolutely healthy. So mom decided to behave differently. No matter how and what Vicki complained and argued about, her mother reacted the same way every morning. She leaned over, touched the girl’s shoulder and said calmly but firmly: “You are going to school now. I’m really sorry this is so hard for you.» And if Vicki, as before, went to the toilet at the last minute, mom would say: “You were already in the toilet. Now it’s time for you to leave». Nothing else. Sometimes she repeated these words several times. «Pain in the abdomen» disappeared completely after a week.
Don’t get me wrong, discussions between parents and children are very important and can happen many times a day. At meals, during the evening ritual, during the time that you devote to your child daily (see Chapter 2) and just free time, in such situations they make sense and lead to good results. You have time and opportunity to listen, express your wishes and argue them. Start your own conversations. All the reasons that you left out of the scope during the application of the «broken record» can now be calmly expressed and discussed. And if the child is important and needs it, he listens with interest.
Most often, discussions are interesting to children only as a distraction and also as a means of attracting attention.
Miriam, 6, struggled to get dressed every morning. 2-3 times a week she did not go to kindergarten because she was not ready on time. And this did not bother her at all. What can be done in this case to do “learning by doing”?
Mom used the “broken record” method: “You are going to get dressed now. I’ll take you to the garden in time anyway.» Did not help. Miriam sat on the floor in her pajamas and didn’t move. Mom left the room and did not respond to her daughter’s call. Every 5 minutes she came back and repeated every time: “Miriam, do you need my help? When the arrow is here, we leave the house. The girl did not believe. She swore and whimpered, and of course she didn’t get dressed. At the agreed time, the mother took her daughter by the hand and took her to the car. In pajamas. She took her clothes with her to the car. Cursing loudly, Miriam dressed herself there with lightning speed. Mom didn’t say anything at all. From the next morning, a brief warning was sufficient.
Believe it or not, this method always works in kindergarten age. It is extremely rare that a child actually appears in the garden in pajamas. But parents internally should be, as a last resort, ready for this. Children feel it. Usually they still decide at the last second to get dressed.
- Another similar example of a showdown between me and my six year old daughter. I wrote her to the hairdresser, she knew about it and agreed. When it was time to go, she started screaming and refused to leave the house. I looked at her and said quite calmly: “We have an appointment at the hairdresser for a certain time and I will get you there on time anyway. Your crying does not bother me, and I’m sure the hairdresser is also used to this. Young children often cry during haircuts. And you can be sure of one thing: only if you calm down, you can tell yourself how to cut your hair.” She sobbed all the way. As soon as they entered the hairdresser, she stopped and I allowed her to choose a haircut herself. In the end, she was very pleased with the new hairstyle.
- Maximilian, 8 years old. Relations with my mother were already strained. I discussed with her how to give clear, short directions and use the broken record method. And once again, she sits next to her son doing his homework and gets angry because he can’t concentrate and is busy with football cards. Three times she demanded: «Put away the cards.» Did not help. Now is the time to act. Unfortunately, she did not decide for herself in advance what she would do in such a case. And she did, succumbing to feelings of anger and despair. She grabbed them and tore them apart. But the son collected them for a long time, bartered, saved up money for them. Maximilian wept bitterly. What could she have done instead? The cards really made it difficult to concentrate. It made perfect sense to remove them for the time being, but only until the lessons were done.
Broken record technique in conflict
The broken record technique works well not only with children, but also with adults, especially in conflict situations. See Broken Record Technique