Садржај
“A child needs a father”, “a woman with children does not attract men” — in society they are accustomed to simultaneously pity and condemn single mothers. Old prejudices do not lose their relevance even now. How not to let stereotypes ruin your life, says the psychologist.
In the world, the number of women raising children on their own is steadily increasing. For some, this is the result of their own initiative and conscious choice, for others — an unfavorable combination of circumstances: divorce, unplanned pregnancy … But for both of them, this is not an easy test. Let’s understand why this is so.
Problem number 1. Public pressure
The specificity of our mentality suggests that a child must necessarily have both a mother and a father. If the father is absent for some reason, the public is in a hurry to feel sorry for the child in advance: “children from single-parent families cannot become happy”, “a boy needs a father, otherwise he will not grow up to be a real man.”
If the initiative to raise a child on her own comes from the woman herself, others begin to resent: “for the sake of the children, one could endure,” “men don’t need other people’s children,” “a divorced woman with children will not be satisfied with her personal life.”
The woman finds herself alone with the pressure of others, which makes her make excuses and feel flawed. This forces her to close herself in and avoid contact with the outside world. The pressure drives a woman into distress, a negative form of stress, and further exacerbates her already precarious psychological state.
Шта радити?
First of all, get rid of the delusions that lead to dependence on someone else’s opinion. For example:
- People around me constantly evaluate me and my actions, notice shortcomings.
- The love of others must be earned, therefore it is necessary to please everyone.
- The opinion of others is the most correct, since it is more visible from the outside.
Such prejudices make it difficult to adequately relate to someone else’s opinion — although this is just one of the opinions, and not always the most objective. Each person sees reality based on their own projection of the world. And it is up to you to decide whether someone’s opinion is useful to you, whether you will use it to improve your life.
Trust yourself, your opinion and your actions more. Compare yourself to others less. Surround yourself with those who do not put pressure on you, and separate your own desires from the expectations of others, otherwise you risk relegating your life and your children to the background.
Problem number 2. Loneliness
Loneliness is one of the main problems that poison the life of a single mother, both in the event of a forced divorce and in the case of a conscious decision to raise children without a husband. By nature, it is extremely important for a woman to be surrounded by close, dear people. She wants to create a hearth, to gather people dear to her around it. When this focus falls apart for some reason, the woman loses her footing.
A single mother lacks moral and physical support, a sense of a man’s shoulder. The banal, but much-needed rituals of daily communication with a partner become inaccessible to her: the opportunity to share the news of the past day, discuss business at work, consult on children’s problems, talk about your thoughts and feelings. This greatly injures the woman and introduces her into a depressive state.
Situations that remind her of her «loner» status exacerbate and intensify the experience. For example, in the evening, when the children are sleeping and household chores are redone, memories roll in with renewed vigor and loneliness is felt especially acutely. Or on weekends, when you need to go with the children on “lone trips” to shops or to the movies.
In addition, friends and acquaintances from the former, “family” social circle suddenly stop calling and inviting guests. This happens for various reasons, but most often the former environment simply does not know how to react to the separation of a married couple, therefore, it generally stops any communication.
Шта радити?
The first step is not to run away from the problem. “This is not happening to me” denial will only make things worse. Calmly accept forced loneliness as a temporary situation that you intend to use to your advantage.
The second step is to find the positives in being alone. Temporary solitude, the opportunity to be creative, the freedom not to adapt to the wishes of a partner. What else? Make a list of 10 items. It is important to learn to see in your condition not only negative, but also positive sides.
The third step is active action. Fear stops action, action stops fear. Remember this rule and be active. New acquaintances, new leisure activities, a new hobby, a new pet — any activity will do that will help you not feel lonely and fill the space around you with interesting people and activities.
Problem number 3. Guilt before the child
“Deprived the child of the father”, “could not save the family”, “doomed the child to an inferior life” — this is only a small part of what the woman blames herself for.
Moreover, every day she is faced with a variety of everyday situations that make her feel even more guilty: she could not buy a toy for her child because she did not earn enough money, or she did not pick it up from kindergarten on time, because she was afraid to take time off from work again early .
Guilt accumulates, the woman becomes more and more nervous and twitchy. She is more than necessary, worries about the child, constantly takes care of him, tries to protect him from all adversity and tries to fulfill all his desires.
As a result, this leads to the fact that the child grows up overly suspicious, dependent and focused on himself. In addition, he very quickly recognizes the «pain points» of the mother and begins to unconsciously use them for his children’s manipulations.
Шта радити?
It is important to recognize the destructive power of guilt. A woman often does not understand that the problem is not in the absence of a father and not in what she deprived the child, but in her psychological state: in the feeling of guilt and remorse that she experiences in this situation.
How can a man crushed by guilt be happy? Of course not. Can an unhappy mother have happy children? Of course not. Trying to atone for guilt, the woman begins to sacrifice her life for the sake of the child. And subsequently, these victims are presented to him as an invoice for payment.
Rationalize your guilt. Ask yourself questions: “What is my fault in this situation?”, “Can I correct the situation?”, “How can I make amends?”. Write and read your answers. Think about how your sense of guilt is justified, how real and proportionate to the current situation?
Perhaps under the feeling of guilt you hide unspoken resentment and aggression? Or are you punishing yourself for what happened? Or do you need wine for something else? By rationalizing your guilt, you will be able to recognize and eliminate the root cause of its occurrence.
Проблем #4
Another problem faced by single mothers is that the personality of the child is formed solely on the basis of the female type of upbringing. This is especially true if the father is not involved in the child’s life at all.
Indeed, in order to grow up as a harmonious personality, it is desirable for a child to learn both female and male types of behavior. A clear bias in only one direction is fraught with difficulties with its further self-identification.
Шта радити?
Involve male relatives, friends, and acquaintances in the parenting process. Going to the movies with grandpa, doing homework with an uncle, going camping with friends are great opportunities for a child to learn different types of masculine behavior. If it is possible to at least partially include the father of the child or his relatives in the process of raising the child, do not neglect this, no matter how great your offense is.
Problem number 5. Personal life in a hurry
The status of a single mother can provoke a woman to rash and hasty actions. In an effort to quickly get rid of the «stigma» and tormented by guilt before the child, a woman often enters into a relationship that she does not like or for which she is not yet ready.
It is simply vital for her that someone else was next to her, and that the child had a father. At the same time, the personal qualities of a new partner often fade into the background.
At the other extreme, a woman devotes herself entirely to raising a child and puts an end to her personal life. The fear that the new man will not accept her child, will not love him as his own, or the child will think that the mother has exchanged him for a “new uncle”, can lead a woman to give up trying to build a personal life altogether.
In both the first and second situations, the woman sacrifices herself and in the end remains unhappy.
Both in the first and in the second situation, the child will suffer. In the first case, because he will see the suffering of the mother next to the wrong person. In the second — because he will see the suffering of his mother in loneliness and blame himself for it.
Шта радити?
Take a time out. Do not rush to urgently look for a child a new father or try on a crown of celibacy. Be attentive to yourself. Analyze if you are ready for a new relationship? Think about why you want a new relationship, what drives you: guilt, loneliness or the desire to be happy?
If, on the contrary, you give up trying to arrange a personal life, reflect on what pushes you to this decision. Fears of arousing the child’s jealousy or fear of your own disappointment? Or does previous negative experience make you avoid repeating the situation by all means? Or is it your conscious and balanced decision?
Be honest with yourself and when making a decision, be guided by the main rule: «A happy mother is a happy child.»