Садржај
Up to 4 years old, a child, in principle, does not understand what death is, understanding of this usually comes around the age of 11. Accordingly, a small child here, in principle, has no problem, unless it is created for him by himself adults.
On the other hand, adults are usually very worried, often feel a serious sense of guilt, and thinking about “how to tell a brother or sister” is an excuse for them to distract themselves and keep themselves busy. “How to tell a child about the death of a brother (sister)” is in reality the problem of adults, and not a child at all.
Do not arrange incomprehensible tension.
Children are very intuitive, and if you don’t understand why you are tense, the child will begin to tense up on his own and may begin to fantasize God knows what. The more relaxed you are and the more relaxed you are with your little child, the better for their mental health.
Create a clear situation.
If a child does not understand where his mother (sister, brother …) has gone, why everyone around is whispering or crying about something, they begin to treat him differently, regret him, although he has not changed his behavior and is not sick, he begins to behave privately unpredictably.
Do not make the child super value.
If one child dies, many parents begin to tremble over the second. The consequences of this are the saddest, because either through the mechanism of suggestion (“Oh, something can happen to you!”), Or in the mode of using conditional benefits, children often deteriorate from this. A reasonable concern for safety is one thing, but an anxious concern is another. The most healthy and well-mannered children grow up where they are not shaken.
Specific situation
The situation is a teenage girl died, she has a little (3 years old) sister.
How to report?
Alya must be informed about Dasha’s death. If not, she will still feel that something is wrong. She will see tears, many people, in addition, she will always ask where Dasha is. Therefore, it must be said. In addition, there must be some kind of farewell ritual.
Her close people should tell her — mom, dad, grandfathers, grandmothers.
How can you say: “Alechka, we want to tell you something very important. Dasha won’t come here again, she’s in a different place now, she’s dead. Now you can’t hug her or talk to her. But there are many memories of her, and she will continue to live in them, our memory and our soul. There are her toys, her things, you can play with them. If you see that we are crying, we are crying that we will no longer be able to touch her hands or hug her. Now we need to be even closer to each other and love each other even more strongly.
Alya can be shown Dasha in the coffin, under the covers, and maybe even briefly, how the coffin is lowered into the grave. Those. it is necessary that the child understands, fixes her death and then does not conjecture it in his fantasies. It will be important for her to understand where her body is. And where can you go to see her later? In general, it is important for EVERYONE to understand this, to accept and accept it, to live in reality.
Alya can also be taken to the grave later, so that she understands where Dasha is. If she starts asking why she can’t be dug up or what she breathes in there, all these questions will have to be answered.
For Ali, this can also be combined with another ritual — for example, drop a balloon into the sky and it will fly away. And explain that, just like the ball flew away, and you will never see it again, you and Dasha will never see it again. Those. The goal is for the child to understand this at their own level.
On the other hand, it is necessary to make sure that her photograph stands at home — not only where she was sitting, in her workplace (it is possible along with a candle and flowers), but also where her place was in the kitchen, where we sat TOGETHER . Those. there must be a connection, she must continue to represent her — play with her toys, see her photos, clothes that you can touch, etc. She must be remembered.
Feelings of a child
It is important that no one «plays» feelings with the child, he will understand it anyway. But he should not be forced to “play” with his feelings. Those. if he does not understand this well yet and wants to run, let him run.
On the other hand, if he wants you to run with him, and you absolutely do not want this, then you can refuse and be sad. Everyone has to live it for themselves. The psyche of the child is not so weak already, so it is not necessary to protect him “completely, completely”. Those. performances when you want to cry, and you jump like a goat, are not needed here.
In order to understand what a child really thinks, it will be good if he draws. The drawings reflect its essence. They will show you how things are going.
You can’t show her a video with Dasha right away, during the first half a year, it will confuse her. After all, Dasha on the screen will be like a living one … You can look at the photos.
Marina Smirnova’s opinion
Therefore, talk to her, and do not get ahead of yourself — you do not have the task of completing the entire program, which we are chatting about here. And no long conversations.
He said something — hugged, shook. Or she doesn’t want to — then let her run.
And if you want her to hug you, you can say: «Hug me, I feel good with you.» But if she doesn’t want to, then so be it.
In general, you know, as usual — sometimes parents want to hug a child. And sometimes you see that he needs it.
If Alya asks a question, answer. But no more than what she asks.
That’s what I would definitely do — tell me what you will do in the near future so that Alechka is ready for this. If people come to you, I would tell about it in advance. That people will come. What will they do. They will walk and sit. They will be sad, but someone will play with you. They will talk about Dasha. They will feel sorry for mom and dad.
They will hug each other. They will say «Please accept our condolences.» Then everyone will say goodbye to Dasha — approach the coffin, look at her. Someone will kiss her (usually they put a piece of paper with a prayer on her forehead, and they kiss through this piece of paper), then the coffin will be closed and taken to the cemetery, and people who can also go to the cemetery, and we will go. If you want, you can also come with us. But then you will have to stand with everyone and not make noise, and then it will be cold in the cemetery. And we will need to bury the coffin with Dasha. We will arrive there, and we will lower the coffin into a hole, and we will pour earth on top, and we will put beautiful flowers on top. Why? Because that’s what they always do when someone dies. After all, we need to come somewhere, plant flowers.
Children (and adults) are comforted by the predictability of the world, when it is clear what to do, how, when. Leave her now (if need be) only with those she knows well. Mode — if possible, the same.
Crying together is better than turning away from her, shoving her away and leaving to cry alone.
And say: “You don’t have to sit with us and be sad. We already know that you love Dashenka very much. And we love you. Go play. Do you want to join us? “Well, okay, come here.”
About whether she will conjecture something or not — you know better. And how to talk to her — you also know better. Some of the children want to talk themselves — then we listen and answer. Someone will ask a question — and run away without listening to the end. Someone will think it over and come to ask again. All this is good. That’s life. It is unlikely that she will be scared if you do not scare. I just don’t like it when kids start to play in frustration. If I see that the child wants to go into experiences, I can say something in the style of Nikolai Ivanovich: “well, yes, sad. We’ll cry, and then we’ll go to play and cook dinner. We won’t cry for the rest of our lives, that’s stupid.» A child needs parents who go to life.
How to worry adults
See Experiencing Death