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Life is not always ready to give us what we expect from it. However, for some it is difficult to come to terms with this. Psychologist Clifford Lazarus talks about three expectations that make us unhappy.
Bonnie expected her life to be simple. She was born into a prosperous family, studied at a small private school. She never faced serious difficulties, and she did not have to take care of herself. When she entered college and left her completely safe and predictable world, she was confused. She was supposed to live on her own, to be independent, but she had neither the skills of self-care, nor the desire to cope with problems.
Expectations from life fit into three sentences: «Everything should be fine with me», «People around me should treat me well», «I will not have to deal with problems.» Such beliefs are characteristic of many. Some believe that they will never get stuck in traffic, wait hours for their turn, face bureaucracy, and be insulted.
The best antidote to these toxic expectations is to let go of unrealistic beliefs and demands on yourself, others, and the world in general. As Dr. Albert Ellis said, “I, too, often think how wonderful it would be if I behaved perfectly, those around me were fair to me, and the world were simple and pleasant. But this is hardly possible.»
Some people think they should get what they want quickly and effortlessly.
Ellis, the creator of rational-emotional-behavioral therapy, spoke of three irrational expectations that are the cause of many neurotic disorders.
1. «Everything should be fine with me»
This belief suggests that a person expects too much from himself. He believes that he must conform to the ideal. He says to himself: “I have to be successful, reach the highest possible heights. If I don’t reach my goals and don’t live up to my expectations, it will be a real failure.” Such thinking breeds self-abasement, self-denial, and self-hatred.
2. “People should treat me well”
Such a belief indicates that a person inadequately perceives other people. He decides for them what they should be. Thinking in this way, we live in a world of our own making. And in it everyone is honest, fair, restrained and polite.
If expectations are shattered by reality, and someone greedy or evil appears on the horizon, we get so upset that we begin to sincerely hate the destroyer of illusions, experience anger and even rage towards him. These feelings are so strong that they do not allow you to think about something constructive and positive.
3. «I won’t have to deal with problems and difficulties»
Those who think so are sure that the world revolves around them. Therefore, the surroundings, circumstances, phenomena and things have no right to disappoint and upset them. Some are convinced that God, or someone else they believe in, should give them everything they want. They believe that they should get what they want quickly and effortlessly. Such people are easily disappointed, tend to perceive trouble as a global catastrophe.
All these beliefs and expectations are far from reality. Despite the fact that getting rid of them is not easy, the result fully justifies the time and effort.
How to stop living with ideas that we ourselves, those around us, circumstances and higher powers should behave in a certain way? At a minimum, replace the words “should” and “must” with “I would like” and “I would prefer.” Try it and don’t forget to share the results.
About the Expert: Clifford Lazarus is the director of the Lazarus Institute.