Тешке одлуке: када је вољена особа психички болесна

Faced with a mental illness of a loved one, the main thing is not to forget that he is not to blame for it, that he has a harder time than you. Realize that behind the changes in personality there is always the one you love. What to do? Support him and look for ways to alleviate his condition.

You have to answer two main questions: how to understand and accept the disease and how to help if a loved one, because of shame, guilt or his condition, cannot help himself. It is important to remember that family and friends are the most important resource that, along with medication and therapy, helps to effectively cope with mental illness.

To get started, follow four simple rules:

• Don’t go through this alone. There are specialists and organizations that can provide support and provide information.
• Don’t get into conflict. There are tools that work better.
• Remember the rules of communication with the patient and follow them.
• Accept that you are going to have a marathon, not a sprint. Therefore, even if there is no effect yet, do not give up.

Why do mentally ill people behave this way?

“When I was 14, my grandmother decided that my father was the messenger of Satan, and I wanted to seduce him. She was afraid to leave me alone with him, so that we would not enter into an intimate relationship, 60-year-old Lyudmila recalls. – I blamed myself for her behavior, it seemed to me that I was really doing something wrong. Only with age did I realize that the disease was to blame, that my grandmother suffered even more than my father and I.

The mental illness of a loved one becomes a difficult test for the whole family. It happens that a sick person behaves completely senselessly and even frighteningly. It’s easy to believe he’s doing it on purpose, to spite you. But in fact, such behavior is a symptom of the disease, says psychotherapist Imi Lo.

Many mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder make people feel and do things they don’t want to. Usually such diseases are caused by genetics, but other factors, such as stress or violence, also affect. The temptation is great to start blaming and condemning such people. But condemnation and, as a result, a sense of shame make them hide their suffering, not seek the help they need.

Patients are ashamed of their illness, do not want others to know about it. Therefore, the best treatment is compassion and encouraging them to seek help.

How to live with this?

Empathy and support are needed, but sometimes it is very difficult to live with someone who is sick. He is not to blame for his illness, but is responsible for seeking help and strictly following the recommendations and achieving remission.

“You can seek psychological support from groups of those whose relatives are also sick, or ask for help from a professional psychologist or psychotherapist. Some organizations provide lectures and group therapy, which can be a huge help in the fight for the health of a loved one. There they will help you not to despair and look for ways to help,” advises Imi Lo.

You will have to decide what your limit is and reconsider your role in the life of a loved one in order to maintain your own mental health.

Како си можете помоћи?

The best thing you can do is find a psychiatrist who is experienced in treating the illness your loved one is suffering from. Many people claim that they are able to work with any disease, but this is not so. Make sure that the psychiatrist or psychotherapist is experienced enough in your particular issue.

What to do if a loved one refuses to help?

“My aunt thought that we and the doctors were trying to poison her, cripple her or harm her,” says Alexander, 40. “Because of this, she refused to be treated not only for schizophrenia, but also for other diseases.”

There is an accurate joke about this: how many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb must want to change. We can support a person in the fight against the disease, help find a doctor, be there in the process of therapy, but he himself must want to be treated. It makes no sense to try to force him to understand the causes of the disease, to force him to take pills or go to therapy sessions.

People always strive to do what they themselves think is right, and it is quite normal to resist pressure. You can decide only for yourself – what you are ready to go and what you are ready to endure. If your friend or relative is a danger to himself or others, it may be best to hire a professional to care for him or contact a medical facility. It can help you or even save your life.

Some patients leave the clinic and stop taking medication because it dulls their senses and prevents them from thinking clearly. Yes, this is true, but the positive effect of drugs is much higher than the side effects.

“It happens that patients stop going to the doctor’s appointments and eventually return to where they started. Sometimes they are hospitalized many times – this is called the “psychiatric cycle”. The patient can get out of it with your support and with a great desire to improve his life, ”says psychotherapist Imi Lo.

The benefits of indifference

“Sometimes my mother mistook me for another person, or reported that her long-dead brother, my uncle, called her, or said that people were walking behind my back,” recalls 33-year-old Maria. – At first I shuddered and turned around, reminded me that my uncle had died, I was angry that my mother forgot my name. But over time, I began to perceive it as entertaining stories and even with humor. It may sound cynical, but it helped a lot.”

For a long time, the relatives of the patient may feel helpless, as if they could not cope with something, could not bear it. Years may pass before the understanding comes that they have nothing to do with it.

First, there is a sense of belonging. A lot of effort goes into distinguishing where the delirium begins and where the periods of clarity of consciousness begin. Then comes despair, fear for loved ones and for oneself. But after a while, you begin to take the disease for granted. Then reasonable indifference helps to look at things soberly. There is no point in experiencing illness with a loved one. Excessive immersion only prevents us from helping.

5 ways to get through an argument with a mentally ill person

1. Sincerely try to listen and hear

Patients tend to be very sensitive, especially when they are repulsed and their feelings devalued. To understand what they are going through, study the issue, collect as much information about the disease as possible. If you just nod in response, the patient will understand that you do not care. It is not necessary to answer, but if the attention is sincere, it shows. Your calm empathy and willingness to listen will help calm them down.

2. Acknowledge their feelings, not their behavior

It is not necessary to approve everything that patients say and do, or agree with everything they state, but it is necessary to acknowledge and accept their feelings. There are no right or wrong feelings, no logical or illogical emotions. A sick person is upset or frightened, and it does not matter that he is frightened by people who are not really there, or voices that he hears alone. He’s really scared, he’s really upset and angry. His feelings are real and you have to accept it.

No need to doubt your own perception, no need to lie. Just say, “I understand how you feel.”

3. Reach out to their inner child

“When talking to the mentally ill, remember that in moments of crisis, he regresses to the state of a traumatized child. Pay attention to his body language, intonation, and you will understand everything yourself. This approach will allow you to see the meaning that he puts into his actions and words,” advises Imi Lo.

The patient can push, cry, shout “I hate you!”, as five-year-old children do when they do not understand what they feel and do not know how to express what torments them otherwise.

Of course, it is very difficult to accept when an adult person insults you, accuses you of what you did not do. For example, he thinks that you are trying to poison him. But try to see him as a child who is crying inside while the patient is screaming at you. Try to see the true reasons for his behavior behind unfair and illogical words.

4. Поставите границе

Compassion and acceptance does not mean that you have to attach yourself to the sick person or constantly resuscitate your relationship. Set clear and clear boundaries. Like with a child, when you can be loving and strict at the same time.

At the time of the dispute, defending these boundaries can be difficult, but very important. Calmly put forward arguments, support your position consistently and clearly. For example, say: “I understand how you feel, I can do this and that, but I won’t tolerate this”, “I don’t want to do this, but if you continue in the same spirit, I will do this.” then”. And be sure to do what you promised. Empty threats will only aggravate the situation and lead to its repetition.

When the crisis has passed, you can return to the conversation. Develop a plan to deal with the disease and its manifestations, discuss what causes seizures, figure out how to minimize annoying factors. Remember to consider your wants and needs.

5. Don’t Forget About Yourself

Remember, you don’t have to save anyone. The more you blame yourself, the more unhealthy your relationship with the patient becomes. You cannot go back and change the past, you cannot erase the trauma from the memory of a loved one.

Share warmth, sympathize, but at the same time be aware that the patient is also responsible for his treatment.

You can support him, but by and large he is responsible for his own life. Do not think that it is impossible to minimize the manifestations of the disease. It is possible and necessary. The patient is not a monster: even if he seems to himself a terrible monster, a person is hiding inside him who asks for help. The road to recovery can be long, but together you will make it.

You don’t have to stay by your side and you can walk away and live your life if the responsibility has become overwhelming, but if you decide to walk this path together, your love and support will be the most important and most effective medicine.

About the author: Imi Lo is a psychotherapist, art therapist, and coach. He specializes in childhood trauma and personality disorders.