Can a temporary separation save a marriage?

Евгениј, 38 година

“I expected that after our conversation with my wife, everything would magically go into the past and be forgotten, but in the end I had to agree to “live separately” and “work on relationships” … at a distance. Why did I only ask her about this affair? I’m afraid it was my questions that led to the breakup.

I endlessly scroll through all this in my head, sometimes it seems to me that everything will change for the better, but the very next minute I start thinking, what is my wife doing there now and can we say that we are really working on relationships? The crisis seems to be turning into a disaster, and well, if so far only in my head.

From the outside, everything seems to be not bad: we support the image of a “happy family”. We take turns taking care of the baby, I clean up around the house, and once a week we have a “family day”, which sometimes turns into a date night.

I began to pay more attention to my wife. But in the depths of our relationship, not everything is so smooth. How can we save a marriage if we’re not together? Is it possible to restore intimacy by living apart?

Andrew J. Marshall, family therapist

“I would like to change your question “How can we save a marriage if we are not together?” and ask differently: “Will your marriage save the return of a partner who feels guilty?” What about the thousands of other tactics—postponing a decision until later, sidestepping, trying to get distracted by something else?

I’m not a supporter of temporary travel, that’s for sure. But at the same time, I am not a supporter of ignoring the desires of each other. Therefore, if he or she has put forward an idea, it makes sense to take an interest in it and discuss it. And then, if you stick to the following six recommendations, you can not only save your marriage, but also make it better.

1. Prepare everything properly

Instead of throwing all sorts of unnecessary thoughts into your head, focus on discussing in detail how everything will work during a period of separation. Do not look for ways to prove that the partner has put forward the wrong decision, rather ask questions: what to do with finances? What will you tell the children? How often will you see each other? How to make this period constructive for both of you?

The key idea for saving a marriage. Focus your attention on improving the quality of communication, listening skills, because their importance increases when you do not live under the same roof. I would summarize the main idea like this: «I can ask for something, you can say no, and we are able to negotiate.»

2. Try to understand how you got to this situation

If you find yourself in a hole, the healthiest thing to do is to stop digging. If something is broken in your relationship (at least for one of you), you will have to ask your partner why and listen, really listen to his arguments.

Think about your role in this crisis, because even if your significant other turned out to be unfaithful to you — which is not your fault — he or she could not turn from a loving partner into a distant cold creature overnight. Why did he or she put such a distance between you that there was room for someone else?

The key idea for saving a marriage. Every time you meet or write a message to your partner, think: is there any other way to say/do this? By doing the same as before, and giving out the old reactions, you will get a familiar answer, that’s all. I suggest doing the opposite: if you wanted to shut up and withdraw into yourself, speak up. And if you were going to speak out and take your soul, bite your tongue.

3. Leave your partner alone

Temporary separations are often ineffective because the partner who needs autonomy feels they are not getting it. The second half bombard them with dozens of text messages and calls a day, and when they come to pick up the children, they hang out for a couple of hours in the house.

I know it’s hard for those who are left behind, because many have the fear of «out of sight, out of mind» (and if this is your case, then here’s another reason for you to «work» on your marriage). However, you run the risk of proving to your partner that he can achieve true freedom only by ending all relationships.

The key idea for saving a marriage. If it is you who are looking for freedom and cannot achieve it, try to discuss the situation after all, and not step back (and unilaterally impose this condition). The partner will feel like a participant in the decision, and it will be easier for him to accept. For example, agree that you will meet once a week and respond to one message per day.

If you are someone who is struggling to save your marriage, please put all of your energy and attention into working on yourself. Try to understand why it hurts so much at the thought of separation — perhaps it has something to do with your childhood — and look for some other ways to cope with troubles (instead of bombarding your loved one with desperate letters).

If you are chasing a partner, he or she will run away. If you take a step back, then encourage him (her) to move towards you.

4. Не погађај

What especially complicates the period of a temporary gap is the state of uncertainty. In order to somehow protect ourselves, we try to guess the partner’s intentions, think through every possible step and foresee all the consequences. Such wild fantasy robs us of the few encounters we have, because all we do is interpret every gesture of the spouse in the hope of seeing the future.

The key idea for saving a marriage. Live for today, this minute, instead of worrying about the past or wondering about the future. Are you doing well today? Maybe yes. But when you think about what will happen next, you start to panic. Therefore, every time you lose ground under your feet, bring yourself back to the now. Enjoy the view from the window, a cup of tea and moments of relaxation until the children return from school. You will be amazed at How long more relaxed you will feel.

5. Don’t rule out failure

I’ve been counseling couples for almost thirty years, which is at least two thousand clients, and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t failed. But I met a lot of those who were sure that everything would turn out well for them.

When such a person receives a blow of fate or finds himself in a dead end, he thinks that there is some irreparable defect in him or in his relationship (instead of perceiving it as part of a natural process). This happens especially often when a partner who wanted to live separately is already thinking about returning, while the other, on the contrary, begins to feel fear.

For me, as a psychotherapist, this is a good sign. This means that the “abandoned” partner is ready to negotiate and discuss their needs, and not accept the second one on any terms (“if only he would return”). But for the couple, this turn can be unsettling.

The key idea for saving a marriage. Failures are painful, but they don’t become a problem if you are taught something. What does this beat say? What needs to be done differently? If you are at a dead end, how can you go back and find another way?

6. Wait until your partner can talk about the future

If you constantly ask him, “How are you feeling?”, this is not only annoying, but also reminds him that he does not love you or wants to be alone. So — I know it’s difficult, but please wait until he’s ready to talk about the future. Your job is to improve your current relationship.

The key idea for saving a marriage. This is a really difficult time and you will need help (more than waiting for your partner to say “all is not lost”). So seek support from friends, relatives, good books, and perhaps a specialist. You are faced with a serious problem in life and do not have to deal with it alone.

About the Author: Andrew J. Marshall is a family therapist and the author of several books, including I Love You, But I’m Not in Love with You and How Can I Trust You Again?