Those who dream of intimacy are drawn to those whom it frightens. Those who fiercely defend their independence are attracted to those who constantly invade their personal space. It does not sound very logical, but it is inherent in us. What makes us fall in love with emotionally unavailable partners and is there a chance to change this? Says psychologist Kyle Benson.
Attachment is like a big panic button in the brain. When life runs its course, there is no need for it. We make Easter cakes, collect bouquets of leaves, play catch-up. Or we meet with friends, make plans, go to work and enjoy every day.
But then something bad happens: we fall and break our knee. The school bully pushes us and we drop our lunch on the floor. The boss is threatening to fire you. These negative experiences generate worry and anxiety, and anxiety in turn activates our emergency button.
And she sends a signal: seek intimacy. We find those relationships that support us — or rather, what we think of ourselves. And this is the paradox: attachment, without which we would hardly have survived in childhood, begins to play a cruel joke with us. If we evaluate ourselves negatively, then we find comfort in relationships with those who evaluate us in the same way.
Three Relationship Strategies
The attachment that we felt for our mother in childhood dictates one of three strategies in relationships.
1.
Healthy strategy (secure attachment)
According to research by psychologists, no more than 50% use this strategy. Such people easily converge and communicate with others. They do not feel uncomfortable when someone depends on them, and they themselves are not afraid of losing their freedom. They perceive others and themselves positively. If something does not suit a partner in a relationship, they are always ready for a dialogue.
2.
Manipulative strategy (anxious attachment)
These people are looking for maximum intimacy in a relationship. Their ideal is complete fusion. They often worry that their partner does not love them enough, they are afraid to be alone.
People of this type underestimate themselves and put others on a pedestal, do everything to meet the expectations of people significant to them. Unusually affectionate, constantly looking for external confirmation of their own value, because they themselves do not feel it.
3.
«Leave me alone» strategy (avoid type)
They feel uncomfortable in close relationships, do not like to depend on others and prefer that no one depend on them either. Having learned from their own experience that intimacy brings only suffering, they strive for independence and self-sufficiency.
Such people perceive themselves superpositively, and others negatively. They tend to use the insecurities of overly affectionate people to further strengthen their superiority.
Who chooses whom and why
If you carefully study these three strategies — as we once read the condition of the problem in school — it will become clear that all our further meetings and sufferings are already “set” in them.
People with the last two types of attachment are drawn to each other, although it is clear that their relationship is destined to be destructive. More importantly, they will reject a partner until he changes his positive attitude towards them to what they expect from him.
But what about people with the first type of attachment? They are looking for people with the same healthy, secure type of attachment.
It would seem, why is it impossible for the second or third type to meet with the first? Such meetings take place, but such people do not experience mutual attraction, interest that can keep them together.
What to do? First of all, understand what type of attachment you have. This is the key to finding and keeping relationships if you haven’t been able to in the past. If you continue to date “the wrong ones”, the main reason is still in you.
So why do we fall in love with emotionally unavailable partners?
1.
Such people are extremely independent, successfully suppress their emotions, which means that they are easily able to cool down to their partner and end the relationship — and here they are again among those who are looking for their mate.
People with a secure type of attachment do not embark on a series of long meetings and searches. Feeling that very «chemistry», they decide that the partner suits them, and tune in to a long-term relationship. That’s why they are the hardest to find — they rarely enter the dating market, and when they leave, they stay on it for a short time and immediately «settle» in a new relationship.
In addition, emotionally unavailable people almost never meet the same as themselves: none of them have a desire to emotionally invest in a relationship.
If you put all the pieces of the puzzle together, it turns out that the probability of meeting an emotionally unavailable partner is very high. However, they do not form relationships with each other because they need space and independence, they do not meet people with a healthy secure attachment, because such people do not stay in the market for a long time — so who do they attract? Alas, partners with an anxious type of attachment who crave extreme intimacy.
2.
We find them very attractive
We often don’t realize that the partners we’re obsessed with are the ones who can only reinforce our deep self-doubt. It is our notions of love that attract special partners to us.
At the early stage of a relationship, an “independent”, emotionally unavailable partner sends mixed signals: he calls, but not always, does not hide his sympathy, but at the same time makes it clear that he is still in search.
Emotionally available partners don’t play tough. In their world, there are simply no mysterious omissions.
This tactic is quite advantageous: by receiving a vague conflicting message, the “needy” partner with an anxious type of attachment becomes obsessed with the relationship. Friends, hobbies, interests and careers fade into the background.
3.
In emotionally accessible partners, we lack «fire»
Let’s imagine that we were lucky and we met a person whose childhood was simple and calm, and whose view of the world is just as simple and open. Will we realize that we have won the lottery, or will we decide that something is missing in our relationship with such a person?
Emotionally accessible partners don’t play tough or throw everything at our feet to win us over. In their world, there are simply no mysterious omissions and suspense, agonizing waiting.
Next to such a person, we are calm, and we do not believe that he is the only one, because “nothing is happening”, because our emotions are not inflated, which means we are bored. And because of this, we pass by truly wonderful people.
The ups and downs, doubts and delights, and constant waiting in relationships with emotionally unavailable people should not be mistaken for passion or love. It looks very similar, but believe me, it’s not her. Don’t let them captivate you. And, no matter how difficult it is, work to understand the mechanisms of attraction that are laid in us by our childhood. Believe me, it’s possible. And emotionally healthy relationships can bring much more happiness.
Kyle Benson is a family psychologist and counselor.