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Cheating leads to disappointment in the person you trusted. That is why it is extremely difficult to survive it, and even more so to forgive. But perhaps sometimes it is necessary for the sake of maintaining a relationship. To do this, you must first understand the cause of infidelity, says Dr. Barbara Greenberg.
Over the years, I have counseled many couples who have experienced infidelity. Usually, both sides were having a hard time at the moment. I have repeatedly observed the deep despair and depression of people who have changed. Often they admitted that they themselves did not expect such a step from themselves and could not realize what prompted them to this act.
The partners who were betrayed noted that now their faith in people was destroyed. “My world has turned upside down. I will never be able to trust anyone again, ”I heard this phrase from all the patients who faced the betrayal of a loved one.
But my practice has also shown that if people want to maintain relationships and give each other a second chance, there is almost always a way out. And the first step is to find and discuss the cause of betrayal. Here are the most common of them, according to my observations.
1. Victim of temptation
It is not easy to resist if a sexy handsome man or beauty persistently gives you signs of attention. Perhaps your partner has become a victim of a person whose lifestyle involves short-term affairs. Such people so satisfy their thirst for thrills and find indisputable evidence of their attractiveness.
Perhaps your partner has become a victim of a person whose lifestyle involves short-term affairs.
In no way am I condoning this behavior, nor am I trying to downplay the guilt of the cheating party. As a psychoanalyst, I am simply stating the fact that this is a common occurrence. There are people who can stoically reject compliments and advances. And others are vulnerable to signs of attention. They get involved in the game with the «seducer» and cannot stop in time.
2. Last chance
The older we get, the more often we look back and wonder if we missed something important in life. To fill a certain void, we begin to look for new sensations. For some, this is an interesting hobby, travel or another education.
Others are trying to fill in the gaps on the sexual front. For example, a woman who married early suddenly realizes that there will be no other men in her life, and this frightens her. Men over 40, on the other hand, often have affairs with young girls in order to relive the whirlwind of emotions that they experienced 20 years ago.
3. Себичност
Some people become so narcissistic with age that they suddenly decide that they can not live by the rules. They do not realize that their betrayal can hurt or offend a loved one. They only care about themselves and their own pleasure.
Most often, such cases occur in couples where one of the partners during the marriage has become more successful in business or has significantly advanced in the service. The “balance of power” has changed since the moment they met, and now one of the spouses begins to think that he is no longer obliged to keep the oath of allegiance.
4. Relationship crisis
Sometimes cheating seems like the easiest and most logical way for one partner to end a relationship that has run its course. Suppose the spouses have long felt like strangers, they have nothing to talk about and they do not satisfy each other in bed, but do not file for divorce for the sake of children or for some other reason.
Then the betrayal, which the partner finds out about, becomes a way out of this situation. Sometimes this logic of events arises even unconsciously.
5. Cheating as an antidepressant
A fairly common case in my practice. Trying to cheer himself up and escape from the daily routine of «work-home», one of the partners begins to lead a secret life.
Sometimes cheating seems like the easiest and most logical way for one partner to end a relationship that has run its course.
The need to hide and cover up traces, spy messages and calls at night, the risk of being caught and the fear of exposure — all this causes an adrenaline rush, and life begins to play bright colors again. Although, in my opinion, the treatment of depression by a psychoanalyst in this case will cost less in every sense of the word.
6. A way to raise self-esteem
Even the most self-confident people are pleased to find confirmation of their own attractiveness and uniqueness. So, after a small affair on the side, a woman feels a surge of vitality, she understands that she is still interesting and desirable. However, she can still love her husband. To prevent this from happening, try to give your partner sincere compliments more often, celebrate his successes and achievements.
7. A way to take out a grudge
We all tend to be angry and offended by a partner. “You never listen to what I say,” the woman is upset and finds comfort in the arms of her lover, who is ready to listen and support her. “You devote all your time to children, but you forgot about me,” the husband says and goes to his mistress, who can spend all evenings with him.
Small grievances tend to develop into mutual dissatisfaction. And this is a direct path to the fact that one of the partners will go to seek happiness, understanding or consolation on the side. To avoid this, make it a rule once a week, for example, before going to bed, to conduct frank psychotherapeutic conversations on the topic “How did I offend / offend you”.