Новац: табу тема у односима

In many couples, it is customary to talk openly about a variety of things, but for most, even discussions about sex are much easier than one specific scary topic. “I have witnessed hundreds of times partners tell each other about their secret fantasies, annoyance with children, and even deep-seated problems in friendship and at work,” says clinical psychologist and family therapist Barbara Greenberg. “When it comes to this issue, the spouses become silent, become noticeably nervous and try to change the topic of conversation to any other, including sexual and emotional relationships on the side.”

So, what topic is surrounded by such a veil of mystery and what makes it so scary? It’s money, whether it’s a lack of it or an excess of it. We avoid discussing financial matters, which in turn leads to secrecy and lies, and then to problems in the couple. Why is this happening? Barbara Greenberg identified several reasons.

1. We avoid talking about things that cause embarrassment or shame.

“I know a 39-year-old man who didn’t tell his wife that he took out a lot of loans as a student and had to pay them off for many more years,” Greenberg recalls. She, in turn, had significant credit card debt. Over time, each of them learned about the debt that hung on the partner. But, unfortunately, their marriage did not survive: they were angry at each other for these secrets, and the relationship finally deteriorated.

2. Fear keeps us from being open about money.

Many are afraid that partners will change their attitude if they find out How long they earn, and therefore do not name the size of the salary. But it is precisely this fear that often leads to misunderstandings and erroneous assumptions. Greenberg tells of a client who thought her husband was mean because he gave her cheap gifts. But in fact, he was not stingy. This emotionally generous man was just trying to stay within his budget.

In therapy, she complained that her husband did not appreciate her, and only then did she find out that he really appreciated her and was trying to save money for their common future. Her husband needed the support of a psychotherapist: he was afraid that his wife would be disappointed in him if she found out How long he earns. Instead, she was grateful for his frankness and began to understand him better. This couple was lucky: they discussed financial issues early enough and managed to save the marriage.

3. Few people are ready to discuss something that reminds of unpleasant moments from childhood.

Past experience often makes money for us a symbol and a synonym for problems. Perhaps they were always in short supply, and trying to get them was a hassle for parents or a single mother. It may have been difficult for the father to say «I love you» and instead used money as a form of emotional currency. Financial problems in the family could cause a child serious stress, and now it is difficult to blame an adult for avoiding this sensitive topic.

4. Money is often associated with the theme of control and power in the family.

Relationships in which a man earns much more and, on this basis, controls the family: unilaterally decides where the family will go on vacation, whether to buy a new car, whether to repair the house, and so on, is still far from uncommon. He likes this feeling of power, and therefore he never tells his wife How long money they have at their disposal. But such relationships undergo major shifts when the wife begins to earn or inherits a significant amount. The couple struggle for control and power. The marriage is bursting at the seams and requires work to «repair».

5. Even close-knit couples can disagree on how to spend money.

A husband whose car expenses are several thousand dollars may become angry if his wife buys expensive electronic toys for the children. Barbara Greenberg describes a case study in which a wife forced her children to hide new gadgets from their father to avoid arguments. She also asked them to sometimes lie and say that the toys were given to her by her grandparents. Obviously, the couple had a number of problems, but in the process of therapy they were solved, after which the partners only became closer.

“Money is a problem for many couples, and if these issues are not discussed, this can lead to the end of the relationship. Such a paradox, because partners often initially avoid financial discussions just because of the fear that these conversations will negatively affect their union. The conclusion suggests itself: in most cases, openness is the right decision. Take a chance and hopefully your relationship will stand the test of time.»

About the author: Barbara Greenberg is a clinical psychologist.