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Feelings have been the subject of research and scientific experiments for a long time. Today it is recognized that there are six patterns of behavior that make love relationships happy and long lasting.
How to nourish and strengthen love, how to make relationships strong and comfortable? It turns out that today there are quite specific answers to these questions. Some studies point to the role of the «attachment hormone» oxytocin. Others note that there is nothing new in the psychology of the couple. However, what used to be taken for granted is proven by researchers, and their findings in the form of advice are a great help in maintaining long-term relationships.
1. Show affection more often
Kisses, hugs, caresses, erotic massage… The more often there is bodily contact with a partner, the more the brain produces oxytocin. In English, it is emphatically called the «substance of love» — »love drug». It is synthesized in large quantities in the mother’s body during childbirth and subsequent breastfeeding.
Oxytocin plays an important role in the formation and strengthening of bonds, both family and love, and even friendship, and this is confirmed by many studies.
Савет: don’t expect a heartbeat. The rule “appetite comes with eating” applies here: the more often we stroke a partner, hug and touch him, the more we want to continue this pleasant interaction.
2. Talk respectfully
The choice of words, the tone of voice — everything matters when we address the object of our love. The more we express respect for the point of view of another and his values, the more friendly and gentle tone we speak, the brighter he feels that he is understood and appreciated. When we don’t see the other as a rival and competitor or boss and master, it becomes easier to strengthen close ties, and it’s easier to come to a compromise. And conflicts happen less often.
Савет: apologize each time you deviate from this rule, and don’t underestimate the impact your tone and words have on the other.
3. Express gratitude often
Gratitude is the glue of love relationships, according to University of California researchers who tested 77 couples. Here again, oxytocin is involved: its level rises markedly in both partners after each expression of gratitude, which involves the couple in a virtuous circle. Indeed, the one who receives gratitude, in turn, sends a positive message to another. As a result, both want to act and express themselves “positively”.
Савет: do not confuse intimacy with familiarity: the first is beneficial, and the second can offend. Gratitude, compliments, confirmation of value — let all this be constantly present in the relationship. Trying to act like you’ve just met each other for a few days can be an effective way to make the relationship blossom.
4. Maintain positive illusions
The longer we keep that view of the partner that was at the beginning of the relationship, the more we believe in the qualities that we attributed to him, the better the “love illusion” is preserved and the longer the relationship lasts. We all tend to agree with someone else’s view of us, and most prefer relationships that are narcissistically pleasing to us.
Instead of comparing a partner against others in his favor or making sharp critical judgments, strong couples continue to see and emphasize first of all what fascinates them in each other.
Савет: after each criticism, find what is good in your partner and tell him about it. This way you will not allow an emotional distance between you to arise.
5. Write and rewrite your story
We can tell our love story not as a tale of fairies, but as a tale of witches. For example, if we want to criticize a partner, blow off steam, or amuse the listeners. But the choice of such a genre is not without consequences: many studies show that negative stories influence the love story, which in this case, as a rule, ends badly.
But on the other hand, even if our story had ups and downs, when we choose a positive story about it, the continuation unfolds on the same note, and as a result, reality catches up with fiction. Didn’t Shakespeare say that we are made of the same fabric as our dreams? So it’s better not to attach too much importance to nightmares.
Савет: take the time to make a list of all the benefits of living together with a partner, and your eyes will become kinder. This is how we practice magical thinking and choose the best for our couple.
6. Choose forgiveness
In case of betrayal or betrayal, everyone chooses for himself whether to leave or stay. But if we are for the second option, then it is better to do everything in our power to forgive with all our hearts, giving ourselves as much time as it takes. When the decision is made and the process of «digestion» is over, it is necessary to refrain from reproaches and accusations against the partner.
This is an indispensable condition to give the relationship every chance to continue in a friendly atmosphere. Let’s not forget that forgiveness does not mean gaining power over a partner or manipulating him, using his rightness, but making a responsible decision to turn the page.
Савет: learn to forgive your partner’s small transgressions in everyday life, instead of holding grudges and reacting aggressively.