In today’s society of goals, victories, ideals, and perfectionists, children suffer more than adults from impostor syndrome. And adults with this syndrome say that they owe their difficulties to parental upbringing. About why this happens and how to avoid it, says Dr. Alison Escalante.
Every year more and more high achievers suffer from impostor syndrome. Already in elementary school, children admit that they do not want to go to school for fear of not studying well enough. By high school, many describe the symptoms of impostor syndrome.
Parents who themselves suffer from it are afraid of accidentally causing it in children. This syndrome was first described in the 80s by Dr. Paulina Rosa Klans. She identified the main symptoms that together cause suffering to a person and interfere with a normal life.
The impostor syndrome affects those who have achieved significant heights; such people are objectively successful, but do not feel it. They feel like scammers who are not rightfully taking someone else’s place, and attribute their achievements to luck, not talent. Even when such people are praised, they believe that this praise is undeserved and devalue it: it seems to them that if people looked more closely, they would see that he or she really is nothing.
How do parents cause impostor syndrome in children?
Parents have a great influence on the formation of this syndrome in children. According to Dr. Klance’s research, many of her adult patients with this symptom have been tainted by childhood messages.
There are two types of such messages. The first is open criticism. In a family with such messages, the child is faced mainly with criticism that teaches him: if he is not perfect, the rest does not matter. Parents do not notice anything in the child, except for deviations from unattainable standards.
Dr. Escalante cites the example of one of her patients: «You’re not done until you’ve done everything perfectly.» Dr. Suzanne Lowry, PhD, emphasizes that impostor syndrome is not the same as perfectionism. So many perfectionists get nowhere by choosing jobs that have less risk of doing something wrong.
People with this syndrome are perfectionists who have achieved heights, but still feel that they are not rightfully occupying a place. The psychologist writes: “Constant competition and critical environments cause impostor syndrome in such people.”
Parents convince the child: «You can do whatever you want,» but that’s not true.
There is another type of message that parents use to make children feel inadequate. Strange as it may be, abstract praise is also harmful.
By over-praising a child and exaggerating its virtues, parents create an unattainable standard, especially if they do not focus on specifics. “You are the smartest!”, “You are the most talented!” — messages of this kind cause the child to feel that he should be the best, forcing him to strive for the ideal.
“When I talked to Dr. Clans,” writes Alison Escalante, “she told me: “Parents convince the child:“ You can do whatever you want, ”but this is not so. Children can do a lot. But there is something that they do not succeed, because it is impossible to always succeed in everything. And then the children feel shame.”
For example, they begin to hide good, but not excellent grades from their parents, because they are afraid to disappoint them. Attempts to hide failures or, worse, lack of success cause the child to feel inadequate. He starts to feel like a liar.
What can parents do to avoid this?
The antidote to perfectionism is to be reasonably successful at something. It’s complicated. Anxiety often gives the false impression that mistakes make us worse. Anxiety can be reduced by parents if they accept that mistakes are not the end.
“Help your child see that a mistake is not a problem; it can always be corrected,” advises Dr. Klans. When a mistake is proof that a child is trying and learning rather than a sentence, impostor syndrome has nowhere to take root.
It is not enough to be able to survive mistakes alone. It is also important to praise the child for specific things. Praise the effort, not the end result. This is a good way to boost his self-confidence.
Even if the result does not seem very successful to you, find the merits, for example, you can note the efforts that the child put into the work, or comment on the beautiful combination of colors in the picture. Listen to the child seriously and thoughtfully so that he knows you are listening.
“Listening carefully,” writes Escalante, “is essential to give children the confidence to be noticed. And people with impostor syndrome hide behind a mask, and these are two complete opposites.
The best way to prevent this syndrome in children is to make them feel loved and needed, says Dr. Klans.
About the Author: Alison Escalante is a pediatrician and TEDx Talks contributor.