A lot has been written and said about the fact that resentment and anger at parents prevent us from moving forward. Everyone talks about how important it is to learn to forgive, but how to do it if we are still hurt and bitter?
“See, I did it.
Who told you that you could? You think a lot about yourself. The project has not yet been approved.
— Approve. I put my whole soul into it.
— Think about it. To invest the soul does not mean to invest the brain. And you haven’t been friends with him since childhood, I always said that.
Tanya turns this internal dialogue with her mother like a broken record in her head. The project will most likely be accepted, the topic of conversation will change, but this will not affect the essence of the conversation. Tanya argues and argues. He takes new heights, breaks the applause of friends and colleagues, but the mother in her head does not agree to recognize the merits of her daughter. She never believed in Tanya’s abilities and will not believe even if Tanya becomes the president of all Russia. For this, Tanya will not forgive her. Never.
Julia is even more difficult. Once her mother left her father, not giving her one-year-old daughter a single chance to know her father’s love. All her life, Yulia has heard the hackneyed “all men are goats” and was not even surprised when her mother sealed Yulia’s newly-made husband with the same label. The husband heroically endured the first insult, but he could not hold back the onslaught of his mother-in-law for a long time: he packed his suitcase and retreated into the haze of a brighter future. Julia did not argue with her mother, but simply took offense at her. Deadly.
What can we say about Kate. It is enough for her to close her eyes for a second, as she sees her dad with a clothesline in his hand. And thin thread-stripes on pink skin. Years pass, the kaleidoscope of fate adds up more and more bizarre pictures, but Katya does not notice them. In her eyes was imprinted the image of a little girl covering her face from beatings. In her heart is a piece of ice, eternal, as the glaciers on the top of Everest are eternal. Tell me, is it ever possible to forgive?
Even if in the present mother has realized everything and is trying to correct the mistakes of her youth, it is beyond her control.
Forgiving your parents is sometimes difficult. Sometimes it’s very difficult. But as much as the act of forgiveness is unbearable, it is just as necessary. Not to our parents, to ourselves.
What happens when we resent them?
- Part of us gets stuck in the past, taking strength and wasting energy. There is neither time nor desire to look ahead, to go, to create. Imaginary conversations with parents lash out more than prosecutorial accusations. Grievances are pressed to the ground by the weight of knightly armor. Not parents — us.
- Blaming parents, we take the position of a small helpless child. Zero responsibility, but a lot of expectations and claims. Give compassion, provide understanding, and in general, be kind, provide. What follows is a wish list.
Everything would be fine, only parents are unlikely to fulfill these wishes. Even if in the present mother has realized everything and is trying to correct the mistakes of her youth, this is beyond her control. We are offended by the past, but it cannot be changed. There is only one thing left: to grow internally and take responsibility for your life. If you really want to, go through the claims for what was not received and present them in order to finally close the gestalt. But, again, not to their parents — to themselves.
- Hidden or obvious resentment radiates vibrations, and not at all kindness and joy — negativity. What we emit is what we receive. Is it any wonder that they offend often. Not parents — us.
- And most importantly: whether we like it or not, we carry a part of our parents in us. Mom’s voice in my head is no longer my mother’s, it’s our own. When we deny mom or dad, we deny a part of ourselves.
The situation is complicated by the fact that we, like sponges, have absorbed the patterns of parental behavior. Behavior that is not forgiven. Now, as soon as we repeat our mother’s phrase in our hearts with our own children, shout or, God forbid, slap, they immediately fall: a flurry of reproaches. Accusations without the right to justification. Wall of hate. Just not to your parents. To yourself.
Како то променити?
Someone is trying to break out of the vicious circle of hateful scenarios by banning. Remember the promise you made as a child, “I will never be like this when I grow up”? But the ban doesn’t help. When we are not in the resource, parental templates break out of us like a hurricane, which is about to take the house, and Ellie, and Toto with it. And it does take away.
How then to be? The second option remains: wash the resentment out of the soul. We often think that «forgiveness» is equal to «justification.» But if I justify physical or emotional abuse, then not only will I continue to allow myself to be treated this way, but I myself will begin to do the same. It’s a delusion.
Forgiveness equals acceptance. Acceptance equals understanding. Most often it is about understanding someone else’s pain, because only it pushes to inflict pain on others. If we see someone else’s pain, then we sympathize and finally forgive, but this does not mean that we begin to do the same.
How can you forgive your parents?
True forgiveness always comes in two stages. The first is to release accumulated negative emotions. The second is to understand what motivated the offender and why it was given to us.
You can release emotions through a letter of resentment. Here is one of the letters:
“Dear Mom / Dear Dad!
I’m mad at you for being…
I resent you for being…
I was in a lot of pain when you…
I am very scared that…
I am disappointed that…
I am sad that…
I am sorry that…
I am grateful to you for…
I ask your forgiveness for…
I love you».
Forgiveness is not available to the weak. Forgiveness is for the strong. Strong in heart, strong in spirit, strong in love
Most often you have to write more than once. The ideal moment to complete the technique is when there is nothing more to say on the first points. Only love and gratitude remain in the soul.
When negative emotions are gone, you can continue the practice. First, ask yourself in writing the question: why did mom or dad do this? If you really released the pain, at the second stage you will automatically receive an answer in the spirit of “because they didn’t know how to do otherwise, they didn’t know, because they themselves were disliked, because they were brought up that way.” Write until you feel with all your heart: mom and dad gave what they could. They simply had nothing else.
The most inquisitive may ask the last question: why was this situation given to me? I’m not going to suggest — you will find the answers yourself. I hope they bring you ultimate healing.
And finally. Forgiveness is not available to the weak. Forgiveness is for the strong. Strong in heart, strong in spirit, strong in love. If this is about you, forgive your parents.