ПСИцхологи

Many couples try to remain friends after a breakup. Whether it is possible to maintain friendly relations depends largely on what motives we are guided by. Here are the reasons why it won’t work.

Studies show that ex-lovers are much worse at making friends than friends who have never had a sexual relationship. Trying to build a relationship on a new platonic basis, they trust each other less and desire to find their happiness. These ten motives for friendship with an ex are likely to lead to mutual disappointment.

1. You have mutual friends

If your family and friends want you to stay on friendly terms for their sake, thus allowing them to avoid choosing who to invite to their birthday party, you are more likely to go along with them. Certainly, this is a noble step, preserving the appearance of general harmony, but if this is the only reason, it is not enough.

You have the right to refuse any invitations if you don’t want to see your ex.

And even if you are ready to cross paths from time to time, this does not mean that you have to remain friends. It can probably be difficult at first to meet up at a party as a casual acquaintance, still feeling that he or she is an important part of your past. However, time does its job, and your common history will gradually dissolve into new events and meetings.

2. Осећате се кривим

If the breakup happened on your initiative and the former partner is worried and insists on a friendly relationship, then you do not want to cause him even more pain by refusing. However, attempts to heal wounds with their presence can only cause more trauma. This will not help the left to find the strength to move forward.

If for some reason you feel guilty, find an opportunity to talk about it and apologize. However, do not turn into an eternal vest, which is now obliged to comfort and support.

3. Осећате се усамљено

Parting often leaves us feeling an inner void, it takes time to fill it. If we feel lonely on a Saturday night, then inviting an ex-partner whom we know so well to our place for dinner and watching a movie together seems like a more attractive idea than going out to meet new experiences and acquaintances.

However, this can lead to an endless resumption of relationships that last a short period and break off again.

The danger of falling into this vicious circle that makes you feel even more lonely and insecure as a result is not worth the temporary comfort of one night.

4. You want to be aware of his personal life

It can still hurt you to think that your ex will find happiness with another person. By staying on friendly terms, you leave yourself the opportunity to follow how his life develops. However, becoming a confidant will not benefit either you or your ex.

A Men’s Health study of 3000 people found that 85% regularly check their ex-lovers page, 17% do so once a week. Such surveillance only increases feelings of jealousy and anxiety. If you find it hard to resist the temptation to be intimate, it’s best to «unfriend» each other. Both in the virtual space and in real life.

5. You idealize past relationships.

If we have a new relationship, but they do not satisfy us, we often begin to indulge in nostalgic memories of the previous union. It’s so easy to start romanticizing a former lover — after all, from now on this person is far away, and we don’t see what we once parted because of. This psychological trap only increases dissatisfaction with what we have at the moment.

6. You hope your ex will change.

Perhaps you broke up because your ex cheated or abused alcohol, but you think that by losing you, he will learn from what happened. Staying friends keeps you connected and hopeful that you can be a positive influence on him.

In some cases, when the breakup was your initiative and the partner did not want it, the hope of rebuilding the relationship can motivate

However, if your ex feels that it is too easy to win you over, he can only imitate a willingness to change. Such friendship will only lead to further disappointment.

7. You see your ex as a fallback.

We often, not wanting to openly admit it to ourselves, stay in a relationship in the hope that if we don’t find someone better, we can go back to our previous partner. Needless to say, this approach is dishonest. And in order for a new door to open in your life, it is important to close the old one.

8. Your ex leaves you no choice.

You don’t want to remain friends, but your ex continues to stalk you, and you find it easier to maintain the appearance of a relationship than to hold off attacks. You have every right to interrupt all ties, but in this case, be firm — the other side must understand that you will not give in to blackmail up to contacting the police.

9. He (she) still loves you

In this case, spending time together can be pleasant for us — we all want to feel loved. However, this gives the other party false hope. Even if it seems to you that you have honestly explained that you want to remain friends, a loving person will continue to hope. If you do not reciprocate, then probably the best thing you can do for him is to remove himself from his life.

10. You love him

Being in love while secretly hoping to get back together is one of the strongest motivations for staying friends. And at the same time one of the most dangerous.

If a person decided to leave a relationship with you, then, obviously, he had a good reason for this.

Trying to revive a love union, you only cause yourself additional pain. Try to spend more time with friends for whom you are a loved and significant person. Your ex is not one of them.

Is it possible to remain friends?

Certainly. If neither of you has the motives described above, and your friendship does not affect the new romantic relationship in any way. The situation in which you are equally comfortable in the company of both a new lover and an ex, and they also do not feel tension at the same time, is a great indicator that you can remain friends.

The inner motives of friendship can sometimes be hidden from us — our psyche masks the true intentions, presenting them as the most innocent. Therefore, when deciding whether to be friends with an ex or not, try to be honest with yourself.

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