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Some are lucky in their personal lives, while others are unhappy. What makes you make the same mistakes and choose the wrong partners? Writer Peg Streep analyzes the reasons for this pattern.
“How did it happen that I married my mother? He seemed a different person, but he was exactly the same. How could I not notice that he treats me the way she treated me? I am disappointed in myself,” they ask themselves.
Everyone, both those who are loved and those who are not, is drawn to the familiar. If you grew up in a family where your parents loved and supported you, this kind of attraction can be helpful. Most likely, you will easily spot people who are prone to control and manipulation, and will be able to find a partner who wants the same thing as you: close relationship, open communication, intimacy and mutual support. Unfortunately, this is not the case for anxious attachment women whose emotional needs were not met during childhood. They reproduce familiar circumstances in their romantic relationships. Here are five reasons why this usually happens:
1. They are drawn to a person who does not show their love.
A daughter’s goal is to win her mother’s love. Because of this, she is convinced that love is not given just like that, it must be earned. When she meets a man who behaves differently (sometimes showing warmth, then becoming cold), this frightens her, but his behavior seems familiar.
Women who have not been loved seem to think that success in love is somehow “deserved”
Unlike a person who knows what true love is, for her, such behavior is not a wake-up call. Of course, her coldness upsets and angers her, but it motivates her to redouble her efforts, trying to regain his favor.
2. They love to put up
Because they don’t know what love looks and feels like, it seems to them that success in love is «earning it.» Thus, reconciliation after a quarrel brings satisfaction and instills confidence that she is loved.
3. Instability Seems Romantic
Women, especially anxious women who are themselves very emotionally unstable, often confuse the instability of relationships with violent passion. Constant swings of emotions from stormy joy, when a man loves her again, to despair, when he is about to leave, both fascinate and drain. Of course, passion looks different, but she does not know about it. This explains why such women are often attracted to men with narcissistic traits.
4. They find excuses for mistreatment.
Women who were not taken seriously in childhood, ignored and constantly criticized (and all this falls into the category of verbal abuse), stop responding to certain types of manipulation and abuse. Because of this, they do not understand that insults or petty control from a partner destroy intimacy.
For women deprived of parental love, it is equally important to be loved and not to be abandoned.
They easily fall into the trap of self-accusation and begin to think that they themselves provoked a man to such behavior.
5. They never stop hoping and waiting for a fabulous ending.
It is equally important for women to be loved and not to be abandoned or rejected, so any courtesy or good deed of a partner often seems too significant to them, even if the partner behaves inappropriately more often.
Rare pleasant moments inspire her and make her imagine herself as Cinderella, who met her prince. Since she doesn’t know how a full-fledged healthy relationship is built, she will most likely end up resigning herself to much less than what she dreams of and deserves. In order to make smarter decisions, you need to recognize and heal childhood trauma caused by a lack of parental love.