Садржај
Disputes about politics can bring discord into relationships and even ruin a close-knit family. Why is this happening? Will this understanding help us keep peace in our own family? We understand together with a psychotherapist on the example of our readers.
“Ideological differences of family members killed our relationship”
Дмитриј, 46 година
“Vasilisa and I have been together for a long time, more than 10 years. They were always friendly. They understood each other. They could compromise if needed. We have a common property — a house outside the city. We built together. We were happy to move. Who would have known that such problems would begin with him …
Three years ago, my mother was diagnosed with diabetes. Insulin injections and so on… The doctor said she needed supervision, and we took her to us. The house is spacious, there is enough space for everyone. My relationship with my wife has always been good. We didn’t live together, but we visited my parents regularly. And after the death of his father — already one mother. The decision to live all in one house was a joint one. The wife didn’t mind. Moreover, my mother moves a little, she takes care of hygiene herself — she does not need a nurse.
But my mother is deaf and constantly watches TV.
We have dinner together. And she cannot imagine food without a “box”. With the beginning of the February events, my mother completely stuck to the programs. And there, in addition to the news, solid tantrums. Asking her to turn it off is useless. That is, she turns it off, but then forgets (apparently, age makes itself felt) and turns it on again.
My wife and I watch TV less often and only the news. We don’t watch TV shows where everyone quarrels and scandals with each other. But the problem is not only in the telly. I think our relationship killed their ideological differences — mothers and Vasilisa. Every dinner turns into a ring. Both are hoarsely arguing about politics — one for the special operation, the other against.
Over the past weeks, they have brought each other to white heat. In the end, the wife could not stand it. She packed her things and went to her parents. She didn’t even tell me anything. Only that he can no longer live in such an environment and is afraid to break out on my mother.
I do not know what to do. I won’t kick my mom out. I went to my wife to put up — in the end they only quarreled. Hands down…”
“I tried to be silent, but it didn’t help”
Vasilisa, 42 years old
“My mother-in-law seemed to me a peaceful, benevolent person. I had no idea that her moving to us would cause so many problems. At first they were not. Well, except that her habit of constantly turning on the TV. I can’t stand this manner of presenters to hysteria and scandal, my husband and I watched only the news and movies. The mother-in-law, apparently, is lonely and empty, and her TV is always on. She even watches football matches! In general, it was not easy, but we found some options — sometimes I endured, sometimes she agreed to turn it off.
But since the beginning of the special operation, she watches it non-stop. As if he is afraid to miss something if he turns it off even for a minute. He watches the news — and raises political topics on every occasion. I do not agree with her opinion, and she starts arguments, like in those TV shows, with provocations and constant attempts to convince me.
At first, I talked to her, offered not to force anyone to change their mind, asked not to raise these topics at the table
She seems to agree, but she listens to the news — and can not stand it, she retells them to us. With your comments! And from these comments of hers, I already started to rage. The husband persuaded her to calm down, then me, then both — he tried to be neutral. But things only got worse.
I tried to be silent, but it didn’t help. Then she began to eat separately — but she caught me when I was in the kitchen. Every time she kind of starts to share her thoughts with me, and everything ends with emotions.
One morning, I realized that I was not ready to listen to endless TV, or argue with my mother, or be silent while listening to her. I can not anymore. Worse, during this time I also hated my husband. Now I’m seriously thinking about a divorce — the “aftertaste” from this whole story is such that the past warm atmosphere in our relationship with him can no longer be restored.
«Everything burns in the fire of our fear»
Гурген Кхацхатуриан, психотерапеут
“It is always painful to watch how the family becomes a space for endless ideological disputes. They eventually lead to the fact that the situation becomes unbearable, families are destroyed.
But here, probably, you should not blame everything on the current political situation. Not more than six months ago, in the same way, families quarreled and even broke up due to different attitudes towards the coronavirus, due to disputes about vaccination. Any event that involves different, emotionally charged positions can lead to such a situation.
First of all, it is important to understand: love as a feeling and relationships between loving people do not necessarily imply a complete coincidence in views. It is much more interesting, in my opinion, when relationships are built between those whose opinions are opposite, but at the same time the level of love and respect for each other is such that they perfectly exist together.
In the story of Vasilisa and Dmitry, it is important that a third person acted as a catalyst for events, the notorious mother-in-law, who poured negativity on her daughter-in-law — her feelings and point of view
When events like the current special operation happen, and earlier the pandemic, we all become afraid. There is fear. And this is a very heavy feeling. And very «gluttonous» in relation to information. When we are afraid, we absorb it in huge quantities and at the same time forget that no amount of it will ever be enough. Everything burns in the fire of our fear.
Obviously, both the mother-in-law and the husband and wife were scared — because this is a normal reaction to such serious events. Here, perhaps, it was not politics that destroyed relations. It’s just that at the moment when they all became scared and everyone reacted to this fear in their own way, people could not find allies in each other to go through this test together.”