We can talk to children about sexuality without taboos
Parents: From what age is it desirable to approach the subject?
Sandra Franrenet: The questions of toddlers about sex come around the age of 3, they are closely interested in their own body and that of the opposite sex. They often try to see their parents naked, to understand the differences… But that can come later, there is no rule, it all depends on the child. Today’s parents are keen to do their job well, they feel “in charge of an educational mission” and are often too eager to talk about everything. We don’t have to be proactive! The main thing is not to anticipate the questions, to let them come, to respect the development and the personal temporality of your child. If we talk about it when the child is neither asking for nor ready to hear this type of information, there is a risk of creating a shock which can be a trauma. When a little one asks “What is making love?” », We give him an answer but without going into details. We can say for example: this is what adults do because they love each other, because it makes them happy and because they want to do it. If sexuality should not be a taboo, we must remain discreet because it is our privacy, we give answers, but we do not say everything.
You insist on the importance of creating a climate of trust, why?
S. F. : Children are curious by nature and sexual curiosity is natural, but in order for a little one to be able to express himself spontaneously, he needs to feel that in his family speech is allowed on all matters that concern him, including sex. . When he tells something, for example that his friend Leo showed a picture of a naked lady at recess and that he feels embarrassed, he will understand that questions on sexuality, “on the buttocks”, are forbidden. . Whatever he asks, he must feel that there is neither taboo nor judgment on your part. The discovery of sexuality, it is done at school with the other children, with the big brothers and sisters who tell “dirty” things, by watching the posters in the street and certain very hot commercials on television, through fairy tales and cartoons. “My 5 year old daughter asked me the other day why Donkey Skin ran away. I told her that she is running away because she does not want to marry her daddy. My daughter, very surprised, added: “I will marry daddy later, we can live all three together!” It gave me a good opportunity to talk to him about Oedipus and the prohibition of incest.
How to find the right words for the child?
S. F. : Talking about sexuality to little ones does not mean talking about adult sexuality in a raw way. They don’t need any technical vocabulary or sex education lessons. We can explain to them that lovers share tenderness, kisses, hugs and pleasure. When they ask “How do we make babies? They don’t want details on the design. Telling that daddy’s little seed and mom’s seed come together to make a baby, and the baby will grow in mom’s womb until it is born is enough. What interests the child is to know that he is the fruit of his parents’ love, that they have met and loved each other and that this is his story.
Can we use words like zizi, zézette, foufoune, kiki?
S. F.: We can use words like little bird, penis, cock… to designate the sex of the man and zézette, flower, zigounette to designate the sex of the woman. But it is important that the child also knows the terms penis, testicles, vulva, and their exact meaning. The buttocks have nothing to do with the genitals, so this word must be used wisely.
What if they question words like “porn” or “fellatio”?
SF Toddlers sometimes bring back from the outside a vocabulary that is not at all intended for them. The first thing to do is to find out what they mean by that, to ask them what it means. Starting from his own knowledge not only allows him not to say more than he wants to know, but also to give answers adapted to his age. We are obviously not going to provide him with technical details on oral sex. You just have to tell him that these are things grown-ups do when they feel like it without explaining what it is. You can also tell him that you will talk about it later, when he is older.
What if they inadvertently see raw images on the Internet?
SF Everyone knows about the misadventures of kids who click pictures of “little pussies” and land on porn sites, or are exposed to porn DVD covers at newsagents that don’t put them on high. The first thing to do is to reassure the child who is shocked by what he has seen: “You find it disgusting, don’t worry, it’s normal for you to be shocked, It’s not your fault. These are practices that some adults do, but not all adults. We don’t have to do it! When you are an adult, you will do what you want, don’t worry, it is not an obligation. “
How to warn a little one against pedophiles?
S. F. : Warning against danger is good, but we are doing “light” prevention. Parents who talk about it a lot transmit their anxieties to their child, they unload their own fears on him. If they reassure themselves, they do not help their child, on the contrary. Classic warnings, such as “You’re not talking to an adult you don’t know!” If we offer you candy, you don’t take it! If we approach you, tell me right away! Are sufficient. Today there is a generalized suspicion towards adults, we must be vigilant, but not fall into paranoia. The best way to avoid problems is to encourage your child to tell you what is happening over and over again, with confidence.
Is there an essential message to convey to toddlers?
S. F. : In my opinion, it is essential to teach your child as soon as possible that his body is his, that no one has the right to touch it, except himself and his parents. You have to teach him to preserve his privacy, encourage him to wash himself as soon as possible, and even ask his permission to take a picture and post his portrait on your Facebook wall, for example.
If he integrates very young that his image as his body belong to him, that no one can dispose of it without his agreement, he will know how to respect himself and the other. This will positively influence his way of living his sexuality in adolescence and adulthood. And he will be much less likely later to be the victim of a cyber-stalker.