Садржај
Emotional dependence is a painful and difficult behavior pattern that makes a person suffer. Its roots lie in childhood, in the relationship with the mother. What to do? First of all, learn to cope with your condition.
For an emotionally dependent person, their loved one — a parent, brother or sister, lover or friend — is extremely important. He appoints this other as his «god» — entrusts his life to him, gives him the right to manage it.
His words, deeds or, conversely, inaction determine the emotional state of an addicted person. He is happy if “God” communicates with him, is pleased, does something for him, and experiences severe mental pain if he is dissatisfied with him or simply silent, not in contact with him.
Such an addiction can form in any person, but most often occurs in emotional people. Their attachments are strong, they live their feelings deeper and therefore suffer from addiction more than others.
This is a consequence of childhood developmental trauma. Addiction can generate a wide range of situations from the early parent-child relationship. But what they have in common is that during the period of the strongest attachment, the actual merging of the child with the mother (up to a year and a half), the mother broke contact or was not warm enough, sincere.
The child is completely helpless, because he is not yet able to take care of himself.
And due to age, he cannot live through the whole palette of feelings that arise at the same time: they are too strong for a small child, and therefore he displaces them.
But these feelings overtake him already in adulthood in situations of loss of contact with a loved one. An adult in these moments feels like a helpless child. He experiences horror, pain, despair, fear, panic, anger, resentment, sadness, impotence.
«Why are you doing this to me? Why are you so cruel? Why are you silent, well, say something! You do not care about me! Do you love me? You are a monster! Don’t leave me, I’ll die without you!» — these are typical phrases of emotionally dependent people.
This is a serious condition that can lead to heart attack, affective disorders, psychosis, panic attacks, self-mutilation and even suicide. If a partner leaves an emotionally dependent person, he can become seriously ill or take his own life. Such spouses leave for another world a month after the death of their husband or wife, because they lose the meaning of life, because their emotional state is unbearable.
Out of fear of losing meaningful relationships, addicts control their partner’s every move.
They demand to be constantly in touch, blackmail, insist on rituals that would confirm that the partner is here, nearby, loves them. Dependent people cause sympathy, but also irritation and anger: they are so unbearable and insatiable in their demand for love …
Their loved ones often break off relationships when they get tired of serving their partner’s addiction, his fears. They do not want to take unnecessary actions, call ten times a day and adjust their behavior depending on the partner’s reactions. They don’t want to become codependent.
If you are emotionally dependent, your task is to learn how to cope with your difficult emotional state on your own. Let’s take this situation. Your loved one “hangs” the relationship: neither yes nor no, no specific steps.
There is an anxious pause. You have already taken too many steps in this relationship because your «god» is procrastinating, and now you are waiting, forbidding yourself to act. At the same time, you are overwhelmed with feelings.
I will share the experience of my clients and friends, which helps them cope with their emotional state.
1. Одговорност
Remove responsibility for your condition from your partner. Don’t expect him to do anything to alleviate your suffering. Shift your focus to yourself and your reactions.
2. No fantasies and conjectures
Do not think about what your “god” is doing at this moment, do not paint the situation, do not interpret what is happening. Don’t let fears and negative expectations shape the predictions of the situation.
As soon as you catch yourself on such thoughts, return your attention to your current state. This can be done, for example, by concentrating on breathing.
3. Presence «here and now»
Look around. Scan your body with your mind’s eye. Answer the questions: Where am I? Like me?» Notice small details of your surroundings, feel slight changes in your body, notice tension and other uncomfortable sensations. Ask yourself what feelings you are currently experiencing and where they live in the body.
4. Internal observer
Find a comfortable, healthy place in your body and mentally place the “Inner Observer” there — that part of you that remains calm and objective in any situation, does not give in to emotions.
Look around with the eyes of the Inner Observer. Are you OK. Nothing threatens you
You have complex feelings and discomfort about the silence of «god», but it’s not all of you.
Place your negative feelings somewhere in your body and note that all other parts of the body are healthy and not in discomfort.
5. Grounding, breathing, centering, self-contact
The practice of grounding will allow you to focus your attention on all parts of the body that are in contact with horizontal surfaces. Concentrating on the breath, just observe it, follow the flow of air with your inner eye.
Focus your attention on your center (2 fingers below the navel, 6 cm deep into the abdomen), note the sensations concentrated there: warmth, energy, movement. Direct your breath to the center, filling and expanding it.
It is good if you manage to fill the whole body with the sensation that you experience in the center. Try not to break contact with him.
6. Living your feelings
Note all the feelings you are experiencing and respond to each one in turn. For example, you noticed anger and gave it a place in your right hand. Start doing something very angry: washing dishes, beating carpets, cleaning the stove. Give vent to feelings. Imagine that anger spills out through the right hand.
If you can, write an angry letter to your «god», express everything that you think about him. There is no need to send a letter — you understand that your feelings are only to a small extent related to the current situation. They are from childhood trauma, and you should not destroy relationships that are dear to you because of it.
7. Self love
The reason for emotional dependence is insufficient self-love and, as a result, the expectation of love from outside. This deficit arose due to the fact that the child did not have enough motherly love and there was nowhere to learn to love himself.
It’s time to fill this gap. You have already scanned the body and found pockets of discomfort. Take care of yourself to make the sensations in these parts of the body more comfortable. Massage, apply aromatic oil, take a comfortable position.
Look for resources: what can fuel your joy? All means are good
It can be a cup of coffee, a movie, a book, physical activity, a salt bath, a conversation with a friend. The main thing is that you get an influx of positive emotions.
КСНУМКС. Анализа
Now that you have calmed down and taken care of yourself, you can turn on your mind and analyze the situation. What happens in your relationship with «God», what to do — wait or take some action.
9. Action: think about the consequences
If you are drawn to act: call, say something, clarify the situation, maybe even quarrel, first imagine the consequences of these actions. Keep in mind that your activity shapes the pattern of your relationship with «god».
Do you want your relationship to always develop according to this scenario? This is a big responsibility, and it will have to be borne throughout all relationships. If you are ready to take it upon yourself, boldly act.
10. Психотерапија
A course of personal psychotherapy will help you work through childhood trauma and get rid of emotional dependence.