„Немој да ме љутиш!”: 5 корака до мирног дијалога са дететом

• «Don’t yell! If you scream, I’ll leave you here»
• “Why are you standing up like a fool! He listens to the bird … Faster, to whom she said!
• «Shut up! Sit silently when grown-ups are talking»
• “Look at your sister, she behaves normally, not like you!”

We often hear these remarks on the street, in a store, in a cafe, as many parents consider them to be a normal part of the educational process. Yes, and sometimes we ourselves do not restrain ourselves, shouting and offending our children. But we are not evil! We really love them. Isn’t that the main thing?

Why are we breaking down

There are several explanations for this behavior:

• The post-Soviet society is partly to blame for our behavior, which is distinguished by hostility towards “inconvenient” children. We try to adapt to the world around us and meet its expectations, therefore, trying to look decent, we pounce on our child. It’s safer than messing with someone else’s uncle who throws judgmental looks at us.
• Some of us may not have had the best parents, and by inertia we treat our children in the same way that we were treated. Like, somehow we survived and grew up as normal people!
• Behind rude shouts and insulting words, fatigue, despair and impotence of completely normal parents are most often hidden. Who knows what exactly happened and how many times the little stubborn little stubborn was calmly persuaded to behave well? Still, children’s pranks and whims are a serious test of strength.

How our behavior affects the child

Many people think that there is nothing wrong with shouting and rude words. Just think, my mother screamed in her hearts — in an hour she will caress or buy ice cream, and everything will pass. But in fact, what we are doing is psychological abuse of a child.

Yelling at a small child is enough to make him feel intense fear, warns clinical psychologist Laura Markham, author of Parenting Without Whining, Punishment and Screaming.

“When a parent yells at a baby, their underdeveloped prefrontal cortex sends out a danger signal. The body turns on the fight-or-flight response. He can hit you, run away or freeze in a stupor. If this is repeated repeatedly, the behavior is reinforced. The child learns that close people are a threat to him, and subsequently becomes aggressive, distrustful or helpless.

Are you sure you want this? In the eyes of children, we are all-powerful adults who give them everything they need to live: food, shelter, protection, attention, care. Their sense of security breaks down whenever those on whom they are completely dependent startle them with a scream or a threatening tone. Not to mention flip flops and cuffs…

Even when we angrily throw something like “How tired of you!”, We hurt the child badly. Stronger than we can imagine. Because he perceives this phrase differently: «I don’t need you, I don’t love you.» But every person, even a very small one, needs love.

When crying is the only right decision?

Although in most cases raising your voice is unacceptable, sometimes it is necessary. For example, if children hit each other or they are in real danger. The scream will shock them, but it will also bring them to their senses. The main thing is to immediately change the tone. Shout to warn, speak to explain.

How to environmentally raise children

Of course, no matter how we raise our children, they will always have something to tell the psychologist. But we can make sure that children know how to “keep boundaries”, respect themselves and others — if we ourselves treat them with respect.

To do this, try to follow a few simple steps:

1. Направите паузу

If you feel like you’re losing control and about to snap, stop. Move a few steps away from the child and take a deep breath. This will help you calm down and show your child how to deal with strong emotions.

2. Talk about your emotions

Anger is the same natural feeling as joy, surprise, sadness, annoyance, resentment. By understanding and accepting our emotions, we teach children to understand and accept themselves. Talk about how you feel and encourage your child to do the same. This will help him form a respectful attitude towards himself and others, and in general it will be useful in life.

3. Stop Bad Behavior Calmly But Firmly

Yes, children sometimes behave disgustingly. This is part of growing up. Talk to them strictly so that they understand that it is impossible to do this, but do not humiliate their dignity. Leaning down, squatting down, looking into the eyes — all this works much better than scolding from the height of your height.

4. Persuade, don’t threaten

As Barbara Coloroso writes in Children Deserve It!, threats and punishments breed aggression, resentment and conflict, and deprive children of confidence. But if they see the consequences of a particular behavior following an honest warning, they learn to make better choices. For example, if you first explain that they are playing with cars, not fighting, and only then will you take the toy.

5. Користите хумор

Surprisingly, humor is the most effective and simple alternative to shouting and threatening. “When parents react with humor, they do not lose their authority at all, but, on the contrary, strengthen the child’s trust,” recalls Laura Markham. After all, laughing is much more pleasant than squirming with fear.

There is no need to both indulge children and demand unquestioning obedience from them. In the end we are all human. But we are adults, which means we are responsible for the future personality.