You give a friend tickets to the theater, and he is dissatisfied with the seats in the hall. Helping a colleague write an article, but she doesn’t like the examples you chose. And sooner or later you start to wonder: is it worth doing something at all for those who don’t even say thank you in response? Why are these people always looking for a catch in everything they do for them? What is the reason for their inability to be grateful, how is this related to hope and happiness, and is it possible to overcome eternal discontent?
Ungrateful and unfortunate
You canceled plans to support a friend who asked you to do so. Help was not easy for you, and you expected that you would at least be thanked, sent a letter or SMS. But no, there was absolute silence. When the friend finally answered a few days later, he wrote not at all what you expected.
You gave a friend a ride home on a rainy day. We could not park at the entrance: there was simply no place. I had to drop her off on the other side of the street. As she got out of the car, she glared at you and slammed the door. She didn’t say thank you, and at the next meeting she barely said hello. And now you are at a loss: it seems you need to apologize, but for what? What did you do wrong?
How can you explain the fact that you feel guilty even though you were not thanked? Why are some people so demanding and setting the bar so high that we can never satisfy them?
Ingratitude becomes part of the personality, but despite this, a person can change if desired.
Charlotte Witvliet of Hope College in Michigan and her colleagues found that some people just don’t have the ability to be grateful. Researchers define the ability to express gratitude as a deep social emotion that “is born from the realization that we have received something of value from someone who has done us a favor.”
If gratitude is a personality trait, then an ungrateful person does not treat life itself with gratitude. As a rule, such people are chronically unhappy. Constant dissatisfaction does not allow them to see what gifts life and others bring to them. It doesn’t matter if they are good at their profession, beautiful, smart, they are never truly happy.
As Vitvliet’s research has shown, people with a high capacity for gratitude perceive interpersonal conflicts not as failures, but as opportunities for growth from which they learn. But those who are always dissatisfied with everything are determined to look for flaws in any actions. That is why an ungrateful person will never appreciate your help.
The danger is that people who are incapable of feeling gratitude see it as an end in itself to show others that they did wrong to them. Ingratitude becomes part of the personality, but despite this, a person can change if desired.
To begin with, it is worth imagining that those who are trying to help such people will suddenly get tired of being nice all the time. At some point, they just get tired of it. Ingratitude provokes reciprocal ingratitude, while in normal relationships people help and thank those who do the same towards them.
How to learn to say “thank you”
What triggers this mechanism? In search of an answer to this question, scientists have studied factors that can increase the ability to experience gratitude. They tested various methods on the subjects: both “counting gratitude to fate”, and writing letters of thanks, and keeping a “diary of thanks”. It turned out that the well-being and well-being of those who participated in the trials improved due to following a new positive model, which is directly related to feelings of gratitude.
Could developing the capacity for gratitude also affect the ability to…hope? Unlike gratitude, which is associated with an immediate reward, hope is “the positive expectation of a desired future outcome.” The chronic inability to feel gratitude affects not only the ability to see the good in the past, but also the belief that one can receive a reward in the future. Simply put, people don’t expect others to treat them well, so they stop hoping for the best.
The tendency to be grateful can stimulate the ability to hope for the best and be happy. Having established this, the scientists conducted a series of studies in which the participants were divided into two groups. The members of the first group had to describe in detail what exactly they want to achieve in the future, although they cannot control the process of achieving the goal. They had to tell about cases from the past when they hoped for something and it happened.
The other group recalled and described situations in terms of their experiences. What lessons did they learn, what steps did they take to get what they wanted, did they grow spiritually, did they become stronger. Then they had to indicate to whom they were grateful and for what.
You can learn gratitude, the main thing is to identify and recognize the problem. And start saying thank you
It turned out that the propensity to feel gratitude was higher for those who were asked to write about the experience of thanksgiving. In general, the experiment showed that it is quite possible to change. People who always find flaws in those who try to help them can learn to see the good and say thank you for it.
In addition, the researchers found that, most likely, people who do not know how to thank, got a negative experience in childhood: they hoped for someone, but did not receive help and support. This pattern has taken hold, and they are used to not expecting anything good from anyone.
The constant repetition of the link “negative expectations – negative consequences” leads to the fact that even relatives stop helping these people, because you don’t want to do something to someone who still won’t be happy to help, or even react with resentment or aggression.
Satisfaction in a relationship depends on how people treat each other. You can learn gratitude, the main thing is to identify and recognize the problem. And start saying thank you.
About the Expert: Susan Kraus Witborn is a psychotherapist and author of In Search of Satisfaction.